When I put on weight in my teens fashion became a distant dream. I felt because I was big I couldn't wear the pretty clothes I wanted to, that I didn't deserve to wear them because I was fat. I would spend hours looking at magazines, looking at what celebs were wearing, I would feel jealous of my friends who were slim and could wear what they liked whereas I would be in black trousers and a baggy top. My friends and my mum would always tell me I looked nice, that I dressed well to suit my shape, but I would never believe them.
I have such horrible memories of shopping. Standing in a fitting room trying on outfits that didn't fit, or were uncomfortable and then finding anything just to make do. I would cry. Looking at myself in the mirror I would hate what was reflected back at me. I would even question the point of living and I even considered ending my life. Being fat was making me so unhappy in the end I believed that to be happy I would have to be thin. At first I didn't believe I deserved to be happy, my home life made me so sad that I constantly felt like a failure and undeserving of happiness. When I moved away from everything that was making me unhappy I stopped comfort eating and I started to lose weight but the euphoria I felt was so addictive! I didn't want to stop, I worked hard but before I knew what I was doing I had become obsessed with calories, cutting down my intake to only 500 kcal a day and throwing up anything else. I started exercising everyday and because I didn't want anyone to know how much I was doing I would do it secretly in my room - sit ups, press ups, star jumps, weights, even running on the spot for 30mins solid just to work up a sweat. I would do this every day and if I went one day without doing this I would panic. I didn't realise Anorexia was starting to take over my life. I felt amazing, shopping was finally great I started to wear more clothes, go out more and even flirt with men. This didn't last long however, every time I looked in the mirror instead of seeing someone who had lost 5 stone I would see fat, other things about my body I needed to change. The belief that the thinner I was the happier I would be kept coming back so even though I was the smallest I had ever been in my whole life I still wasn't happy. I would put it down to the fact I hadn't lost enough weight yet and so kept going. I remember at the beginning, when I was a size 18, thinking "I wish I could be a size 12, if I get that slim I will be so happy!" However even when I got to a size 8 I still wasn't happy, I wanted to be a size 6. Anorexia was controlling me and I had been naive to think that I could control it.
Then in order to maintain the weight I worked so hard to achieve Bulimia became my new best friend.
The image I have of myself is distorted and I need to open my eyes and see myself anew.
By writing this blog and confronting my past and the relationship I have with food I am hoping I can find a way to change and see the person I really am.
If you read this and any of what I have said relates to you please let me know. It is good to know I'm not alone.
Love Genie x
