It has been a while since I have written....So many things have been going on. I gave up to be honest. I stopped therapy, talking to people and ignored the situation I am in - went back to my old security blanket the ED. Feel like all the hard work I put in to get better was a waste of time and I just hate being pestimistic! I should be fighting this in order to live a healthy long life with my son! My marriage is not what it was and work has been really hard and emotional. The usual people I talk to when I feel depressed are no longer there - there was one person I talked to about everything but she has changed so much she is starting to feel like a stranger her beliefs have changed and I constantly feel like I am being judged.
What an entry............moaning all the way! But I am so lost again sometimes I think it would be easier to run away and start again however the bulimia would still be there I really dont know what I'm going to do.
Sunday 21 October 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
The image I have of myself is distorted.
I love clothes and fashion, always have done since the age of 3 when I would choose my own outfits to the age of 6 where I would change up to 3 times a day.
When I put on weight in my teens fashion became a distant dream. I felt because I was big I couldn't wear the pretty clothes I wanted to, that I didn't deserve to wear them because I was fat. I would spend hours looking at magazines, looking at what celebs were wearing, I would feel jealous of my friends who were slim and could wear what they liked whereas I would be in black trousers and a baggy top. My friends and my mum would always tell me I looked nice, that I dressed well to suit my shape, but I would never believe them.
I have such horrible memories of shopping. Standing in a fitting room trying on outfits that didn't fit, or were uncomfortable and then finding anything just to make do. I would cry. Looking at myself in the mirror I would hate what was reflected back at me. I would even question the point of living and I even considered ending my life. Being fat was making me so unhappy in the end I believed that to be happy I would have to be thin. At first I didn't believe I deserved to be happy, my home life made me so sad that I constantly felt like a failure and undeserving of happiness. When I moved away from everything that was making me unhappy I stopped comfort eating and I started to lose weight but the euphoria I felt was so addictive! I didn't want to stop, I worked hard but before I knew what I was doing I had become obsessed with calories, cutting down my intake to only 500 kcal a day and throwing up anything else. I started exercising everyday and because I didn't want anyone to know how much I was doing I would do it secretly in my room - sit ups, press ups, star jumps, weights, even running on the spot for 30mins solid just to work up a sweat. I would do this every day and if I went one day without doing this I would panic. I didn't realise Anorexia was starting to take over my life. I felt amazing, shopping was finally great I started to wear more clothes, go out more and even flirt with men. This didn't last long however, every time I looked in the mirror instead of seeing someone who had lost 5 stone I would see fat, other things about my body I needed to change. The belief that the thinner I was the happier I would be kept coming back so even though I was the smallest I had ever been in my whole life I still wasn't happy. I would put it down to the fact I hadn't lost enough weight yet and so kept going. I remember at the beginning, when I was a size 18, thinking "I wish I could be a size 12, if I get that slim I will be so happy!" However even when I got to a size 8 I still wasn't happy, I wanted to be a size 6. Anorexia was controlling me and I had been naive to think that I could control it.
Then in order to maintain the weight I worked so hard to achieve Bulimia became my new best friend.
The image I have of myself is distorted and I need to open my eyes and see myself anew.
By writing this blog and confronting my past and the relationship I have with food I am hoping I can find a way to change and see the person I really am.
If you read this and any of what I have said relates to you please let me know. It is good to know I'm not alone.
Love Genie x
When I put on weight in my teens fashion became a distant dream. I felt because I was big I couldn't wear the pretty clothes I wanted to, that I didn't deserve to wear them because I was fat. I would spend hours looking at magazines, looking at what celebs were wearing, I would feel jealous of my friends who were slim and could wear what they liked whereas I would be in black trousers and a baggy top. My friends and my mum would always tell me I looked nice, that I dressed well to suit my shape, but I would never believe them.
I have such horrible memories of shopping. Standing in a fitting room trying on outfits that didn't fit, or were uncomfortable and then finding anything just to make do. I would cry. Looking at myself in the mirror I would hate what was reflected back at me. I would even question the point of living and I even considered ending my life. Being fat was making me so unhappy in the end I believed that to be happy I would have to be thin. At first I didn't believe I deserved to be happy, my home life made me so sad that I constantly felt like a failure and undeserving of happiness. When I moved away from everything that was making me unhappy I stopped comfort eating and I started to lose weight but the euphoria I felt was so addictive! I didn't want to stop, I worked hard but before I knew what I was doing I had become obsessed with calories, cutting down my intake to only 500 kcal a day and throwing up anything else. I started exercising everyday and because I didn't want anyone to know how much I was doing I would do it secretly in my room - sit ups, press ups, star jumps, weights, even running on the spot for 30mins solid just to work up a sweat. I would do this every day and if I went one day without doing this I would panic. I didn't realise Anorexia was starting to take over my life. I felt amazing, shopping was finally great I started to wear more clothes, go out more and even flirt with men. This didn't last long however, every time I looked in the mirror instead of seeing someone who had lost 5 stone I would see fat, other things about my body I needed to change. The belief that the thinner I was the happier I would be kept coming back so even though I was the smallest I had ever been in my whole life I still wasn't happy. I would put it down to the fact I hadn't lost enough weight yet and so kept going. I remember at the beginning, when I was a size 18, thinking "I wish I could be a size 12, if I get that slim I will be so happy!" However even when I got to a size 8 I still wasn't happy, I wanted to be a size 6. Anorexia was controlling me and I had been naive to think that I could control it.
Then in order to maintain the weight I worked so hard to achieve Bulimia became my new best friend.
The image I have of myself is distorted and I need to open my eyes and see myself anew.
By writing this blog and confronting my past and the relationship I have with food I am hoping I can find a way to change and see the person I really am.
If you read this and any of what I have said relates to you please let me know. It is good to know I'm not alone.
Love Genie x
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Feeling down.....
Haven't written in a few days, the week has not been a good one. The ED has been controlling me this week rather than me controlling it. Just when I think I am finally getting somewhere I tend to sink back into old habits as soon as something upsets me or stressess me out. I need to learn to cope with lifes stressess and upsets without turning to the ED as a way of coping. For instance, my work load has increased which I am excited about but as I also have to look after my 2 and half year old and my husband works all hours it is hard to juggle everything. Not to mention my slight OCD so when the house gets messy I freak out. I have been taking anti depressents now since September and they have helped a lot, but I still find myself being down for days on end and that's exactly how I feel right now.
:-(
:-(
Friday 27 January 2012
So many...
How do I change this? I have my next therapy session next week and we will be going through some of these questions - I'll let you know what outcomes we have.
One thing I have learnt is that nobody can save me, I have to save myself. The ED has stayed with me so long because I have let it, I am the only one who can let it go.
Love Genie x
- Why do I let Bulimia control me?
- Even though I know the reasons why I have bulimia, why do I cling on to it?
- When everything in my life is going great, why can't I enjoy it?
- How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself?
- Why is it all I see is fat?
- How do I justify my behaviour even though I know it is wrong?
- What kind of a role model am I for my son?
- Why can't I be normal?
- When will I beat this?
- Why can't I stay the weight I want to be?
How do I change this? I have my next therapy session next week and we will be going through some of these questions - I'll let you know what outcomes we have.
One thing I have learnt is that nobody can save me, I have to save myself. The ED has stayed with me so long because I have let it, I am the only one who can let it go.
Love Genie x
Wednesday 25 January 2012
Do I love myself?
Recently wrote this on another blog (Life With Cake) -
Would just like to say that I can imagine it is true and I want to believe it is but my brain is so used to believing that I have to be thin to be happy, if I look at my ED and know that it is harming me when I ask myself will I feel happier tomorrow after suffering today my answer is usually yes it was worth it if it stopped me gaining weight. I really want to stop thinking like this but even with my therapy sessions I don't know how, Genie x
The blog was talking about "self love and that in order to achieve it you have to take action. That we are so used to self hatred that we are afraid to take action to make ourselves feel better."
This is exactly how I feel. I have spent my whole life believing thin is better, "I'll be happier if I'm thinner", "things will work out if I'm thin", "people will love me if I'm thin". It is the habit of a life time and one I know I need to break! Who made this rule up? The rule that you can only be happy if your thin? I did. I have convinced myself for so long that I have an unrealistic image of my self in my head of what I need to look like and because I don't look like this I punish myself.
The next step is to start finding things to do so my confidence builds, and I start the slow process to loving myself. It is such a hard thing to imagine - loving myself, as the ED voice asks me "are you worth it?" and my normal response would be no, but I am going to try and turn this around and say YES I am worth it.
Love Genie x
Would just like to say that I can imagine it is true and I want to believe it is but my brain is so used to believing that I have to be thin to be happy, if I look at my ED and know that it is harming me when I ask myself will I feel happier tomorrow after suffering today my answer is usually yes it was worth it if it stopped me gaining weight. I really want to stop thinking like this but even with my therapy sessions I don't know how, Genie x
The blog was talking about "self love and that in order to achieve it you have to take action. That we are so used to self hatred that we are afraid to take action to make ourselves feel better."
The next step is to start finding things to do so my confidence builds, and I start the slow process to loving myself. It is such a hard thing to imagine - loving myself, as the ED voice asks me "are you worth it?" and my normal response would be no, but I am going to try and turn this around and say YES I am worth it.
Love Genie x
Sunday 22 January 2012
Cake?
Hi
What a gorgeous day today! 11 degrees, blue skies and the sun is shining, now for January that's not bad :-) So even though the weather is lovely and today started off as a normal day, waking up, getting ready and going to church, as usual the bulimia ends up taking over one way or another.
My husband told me after church that we were having friends over in the afternoon for coffee and cake. Such a normal activity for most people but the mere sound of cake and my heart starts racing and I start to feel sick. My husband asked if I could go into the supermarket to get the cake as I needed to get some extra shopping anyway. I said yes thinking that I could do this, it's not that big a deal - it's just cake. So my game plan was to get the other things we really needed that were on the list first; salad, tomatoes and diet coke were the easy part of the list. Next was the butter and bread, a bit more challenging but as I stuck to the list it wasn't too bad. Then it was the cake. Approaching the isle the nerves inside grew and all I wanted to do was turn around and walk the other way. But I pressed on. The hardest part was choosing the cake! Which one, chocolate, plain, carrot, coffee, iced buns, french fancies the isle seemed to go on forever. My usual response would be to look at the fat content and calories but my thearpist has told me to try to stop. So I was meant to choose a proper cake like a round carrot cake, I picked one up and the thought of buying a whole cake and taking it home I just couldn't do it. So I quickly grabbed a box of muffins and some jam tarts ran to the till and got out!
It probably seems so extreme to some people but this is how I genuinly feel when I have to do the monthly shop let alone buying the odd cake to enjoy with friends.
Needless to say I didn't keep lunch down with the nerves of having some cake later. I am infact writing this now our friend's have gone home and I did manage to have some cake but the guilt I feel - what is it all about!!!???
I am going to try hard this evening to stay strong and not binge on the remnants of the muffins. I really wish I could look at food normally, and only think about it when I have to, but my brain won't work like that food is on my mind all the time and even that makes me feel guilty like I will become fat just thinking about food.
If anyone else feels like this out there is there a way to cope with it? My therapist says I have to deal with the issues behind the eating and even though we are doing this it is taking such a long time. I want to be patient but it just seems so impossible that talking is going to cure me.
Love to fellow sufferers out there, hope you are managing better than me,
Genie xxx
What a gorgeous day today! 11 degrees, blue skies and the sun is shining, now for January that's not bad :-) So even though the weather is lovely and today started off as a normal day, waking up, getting ready and going to church, as usual the bulimia ends up taking over one way or another.
My husband told me after church that we were having friends over in the afternoon for coffee and cake. Such a normal activity for most people but the mere sound of cake and my heart starts racing and I start to feel sick. My husband asked if I could go into the supermarket to get the cake as I needed to get some extra shopping anyway. I said yes thinking that I could do this, it's not that big a deal - it's just cake. So my game plan was to get the other things we really needed that were on the list first; salad, tomatoes and diet coke were the easy part of the list. Next was the butter and bread, a bit more challenging but as I stuck to the list it wasn't too bad. Then it was the cake. Approaching the isle the nerves inside grew and all I wanted to do was turn around and walk the other way. But I pressed on. The hardest part was choosing the cake! Which one, chocolate, plain, carrot, coffee, iced buns, french fancies the isle seemed to go on forever. My usual response would be to look at the fat content and calories but my thearpist has told me to try to stop. So I was meant to choose a proper cake like a round carrot cake, I picked one up and the thought of buying a whole cake and taking it home I just couldn't do it. So I quickly grabbed a box of muffins and some jam tarts ran to the till and got out! It probably seems so extreme to some people but this is how I genuinly feel when I have to do the monthly shop let alone buying the odd cake to enjoy with friends.
Needless to say I didn't keep lunch down with the nerves of having some cake later. I am infact writing this now our friend's have gone home and I did manage to have some cake but the guilt I feel - what is it all about!!!???
I am going to try hard this evening to stay strong and not binge on the remnants of the muffins. I really wish I could look at food normally, and only think about it when I have to, but my brain won't work like that food is on my mind all the time and even that makes me feel guilty like I will become fat just thinking about food.
If anyone else feels like this out there is there a way to cope with it? My therapist says I have to deal with the issues behind the eating and even though we are doing this it is taking such a long time. I want to be patient but it just seems so impossible that talking is going to cure me.
Love to fellow sufferers out there, hope you are managing better than me,
Genie xxx
Saturday 21 January 2012
New year, New start.
Christmas is always a hard time of year, as everything is centered around food. Mince pies, Christmas eve dinner, Christmas lunch and boxing day buffets are only a few of the meals that are expected to be consumed as well as chocolates and sweets.
I had hoped this year after having therapy for 6 months that I would be able to handle the pressure and not binge. Whereas a few years ago I would not touch a single thing for fear of getting fat I now feel pressured to eat and want to eat so I do. But once I have eaten the feeling of guilt overwhelms me so the binge/purge fest then begins.
Christmas didn't go too well, I had told myself that in order to enjoy the day and the food if I got too full I would just purge - I know this is the wrong attitude to have as the feeling to binge and purge isn't just to avoid putting on weight, but it is adddictive and I have found comfort in it.
So starting the New Year I am putting things in place to help me change the way I think about Bulimia. If I am going to get better I have got to realise that yes I might put a little weight on (which is scary on it's own) but I have to learn that it is ok. Learn to love myself as I have hated myself for far too long and I want my son to have a positive role model. Keep binge foods out of the house and find activities that I really enjoy to fill up the time I would otherwise use to binge/purge.
Bulimia is like living in hell, and I am not going to let it beat me if anyone else out there feels like I do or you have any suggestions, comments please let me know I would be really interested to know how other people are coping with this horrible illness, I am fed up with it sucking the very life from me when I could have so much to give but it has taken my confidence, my health and my life! As positive as I am I can beat it, some days I just feel like I'm not strong enough. My love goes out to anyone else suffering, it is a REAL illness and even though there is help - I feel it is not enough.
Genie x
I had hoped this year after having therapy for 6 months that I would be able to handle the pressure and not binge. Whereas a few years ago I would not touch a single thing for fear of getting fat I now feel pressured to eat and want to eat so I do. But once I have eaten the feeling of guilt overwhelms me so the binge/purge fest then begins.
Christmas didn't go too well, I had told myself that in order to enjoy the day and the food if I got too full I would just purge - I know this is the wrong attitude to have as the feeling to binge and purge isn't just to avoid putting on weight, but it is adddictive and I have found comfort in it.
So starting the New Year I am putting things in place to help me change the way I think about Bulimia. If I am going to get better I have got to realise that yes I might put a little weight on (which is scary on it's own) but I have to learn that it is ok. Learn to love myself as I have hated myself for far too long and I want my son to have a positive role model. Keep binge foods out of the house and find activities that I really enjoy to fill up the time I would otherwise use to binge/purge.
Bulimia is like living in hell, and I am not going to let it beat me if anyone else out there feels like I do or you have any suggestions, comments please let me know I would be really interested to know how other people are coping with this horrible illness, I am fed up with it sucking the very life from me when I could have so much to give but it has taken my confidence, my health and my life! As positive as I am I can beat it, some days I just feel like I'm not strong enough. My love goes out to anyone else suffering, it is a REAL illness and even though there is help - I feel it is not enough.
Genie x
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