So many...



1. Why do I let Bulimia control me?
2. Even though I know the reasons why I have bulimia, why do I cling on to it?
3. When everything in my life is going great, why can't I enjoy it?
4. How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself?
5. Why is it all I see is fat?
6. How do I justify my behaviour even though I know it is wrong?
7. What kind of a role model am I for my son?
8. Why can't I be normal?
9. When will I beat this?
10. Why can't I stay the weight I want to be?

These are just some of the questions I ask myself daily, and even though I know some of the answers they don't sink in. The answers are not necessarily what I want to hear - I have controlled my thought processes for so long now to make myself believe things that are not true, that I think irrationally.

How do I change this? I have my next therapy session next week and we will be going through some of these questions - I'll let you know what outcomes we have.

One thing I have learnt is that nobody can save me, I have to save myself. The ED has stayed with me so long because I have let it, I am the only one who can let it go.

Love Genie x

Do I love myself?

Recently wrote this on another blog (Life With Cake) -
Would just like to say that I can imagine it is true and I want to believe it is but my brain is so used to believing that I have to be thin to be happy, if I look at my ED and know that it is harming me when I ask myself will I feel happier tomorrow after suffering today my answer is usually yes it was worth it if it stopped me gaining weight. I really want to stop thinking like this but even with my therapy sessions I don't know how, Genie x

The blog was talking about "self love and that in order to achieve it you have to take action. That we are so used to self hatred that we are afraid to take action to make ourselves feel better."

This is exactly how I feel. I have spent my whole life believing thin is better, "I'll be happier if I'm thinner", "things will work out if I'm thin", "people will love me if I'm thin". It is the habit of a life time and one I know I need to break! Who made this rule up? The rule that you can only be happy if your thin? I did. I have convinced myself for so long that I have an unrealistic image of my self in my head of what I need to look like and because I don't look like this I punish myself.

The next step is to start finding things to do so my confidence builds, and I start the slow process to loving myself. It is such a hard thing to imagine - loving myself, as the ED voice asks me "are you worth it?" and my normal response would be no, but I am going to try and turn this around and say YES I am worth it.

Love Genie x

Cake?

Hi
What a gorgeous day today! 11 degrees, blue skies and the sun is shining, now for January that's not bad :-) So even though the weather is lovely and today started off as a normal day, waking up, getting ready and going to church, as usual the bulimia ends up taking over one way or another.

My husband told me after church that we were having friends over in the afternoon for coffee and cake. Such a normal activity for most people but the mere sound of cake and my heart starts racing and I start to feel sick. My husband asked if I could go into the supermarket to get the cake as I needed to get some extra shopping anyway. I said yes thinking that I could do this, it's not that big a deal - it's just cake. So my game plan was to get the other things we really needed that were on the list first; salad, tomatoes and diet coke were the easy part of the list. Next was the butter and bread, a bit more challenging but as I stuck to the list it wasn't too bad. Then it was the cake. Approaching the isle the nerves inside grew and all I wanted to do was turn around and walk the other way. But I pressed on. The hardest part was choosing the cake! Which one, chocolate, plain, carrot, coffee, iced buns, french fancies the isle seemed to go on forever. My usual response would be to look at the fat content and calories but my thearpist has told me to try to stop. So I was meant to choose a proper cake like a round carrot cake, I picked one up and the thought of buying a whole cake and taking it home I just couldn't do it. So I quickly grabbed a box of muffins and some jam tarts ran to the till and got out!
It probably seems so extreme to some people but this is how I genuinly feel when I have to do the monthly shop let alone buying the odd cake to enjoy with friends.
Needless to say I didn't keep lunch down with the nerves of having some cake later. I am infact writing this now our friend's have gone home and I did manage to have some cake but the guilt I feel - what is it all about!!!???
I am going to try hard this evening to stay strong and not binge on the remnants of the muffins. I really wish I could look at food normally, and only think about it when I have to, but my brain won't work like that food is on my mind all the time and even that makes me feel guilty like I will become fat just thinking about food.
If anyone else feels like this out there is there a way to cope with it? My therapist says I have to deal with the issues behind the eating and even though we are doing this it is taking such a long time. I want to be patient but it just seems so impossible that talking is going to cure me.

Love to fellow sufferers out there, hope you are managing better than me,
Genie xxx

New year, New start.

Christmas is always a hard time of year, as everything is centered around food. Mince pies, Christmas eve dinner, Christmas lunch and boxing day buffets are only a few of the meals that are expected to be consumed as well as chocolates and sweets.
I had hoped this year after having therapy for 6 months that I would be able to handle the pressure and not binge. Whereas a few years ago I would not touch a single thing for fear of getting fat I now feel pressured to eat and want to eat so I do. But once I have eaten the feeling of guilt overwhelms me so the binge/purge fest then begins.
Christmas didn't go too well, I had told myself that in order to enjoy the day and the food if I got too full I would just purge - I know this is the wrong attitude to have as the feeling to binge and purge isn't just to avoid putting on weight, but it is adddictive and I have found comfort in it.

So starting the New Year I am putting things in place to help me change the way I think about Bulimia. If I am going to get better I have got to realise that yes I might put a little weight on (which is scary on it's own) but I have to learn that it is ok. Learn to love myself as I have hated myself for far too long and I want my son to have a positive role model. Keep binge foods out of the house and find activities that I really enjoy to fill up the time I would otherwise use to binge/purge.

Bulimia is like living in hell, and I am not going to let it beat me if anyone else out there feels like I do or you have any suggestions, comments please let me know I would be really interested to know how other people are coping with this horrible illness, I am fed up with it sucking the very life from me when I could have so much to give but it has taken my confidence, my health and my life! As positive as I am I can beat it, some days I just feel like I'm not strong enough. My love goes out to anyone else suffering, it is a REAL illness and even though there is help - I feel it is not enough.

Genie x

My first chapter....

Hi.
I have decided to start a blog to help me through my bulimia, but before I get to where I am now let me fill you in on a little of how I got to where I am.

I have suffered with eating disorders since I was 10 years old. The first came in the form of comfort eating due to sadness in my homelife where at my biggest I weighed 14 stone. I then moved away from home and decided enough was enough so took control of my eating and lost 5 stone in 6 months through extreme diet and exercise and as I became obsessed I developed Anorexia nervosa which then controlled my life for two years. On becoming pregnant with my son I knew I couldn't carry on with the dieting and so relaxed a little with my food knowing that no matter how much I hated myself and my body I was doing the right thing by my son and he would be healthy. He was born March 2009 at a weight of 6Lbs 11Oz. I had post natal depression, and most of it was down to my weight gain. Which affected how I felt about my son and how I saw myself as a mother. This is when bulimia found me. I was vunerable and having grown up with the belief that only thin people are happy I believed I had to lose the weight in order to feel loved by my son and for me to love him. The binging and the purging began as a way to lose and control my weight and I dropped from 15 stone to 8 1/2 stone over the course of a year.
It wasn't until May 2010 that after watching a television programme on bulimia it dawned on me that I had a problem. It was the most scariest evening of my life when I picked up the telephone to call my mum and admit I had an eating disorder. She was instantly so supportive I knew I'd made the right decision. However the little nagging voice in my head that encouraged the bulimia disagreed and said 'now that someone knows, you won't be able to hide it anymore and you might actually have to stop!' Because even though I knew I would have to get better and wanted to get better it terrified me that I could no longer rely on the bulimia to deal with my emotions and I would have to start relying on other people.
But owning up to the bulimia, going to the doctors and being diagnosed with bulimia nervosa made me see how much damage I had done to my body and what could potentially happen to me in the future if  I was to carry on. The thought that I might not be here for my son scared me so much I knew then and there things had to change, or at least I had to start making a change.

So where am I now........
I am currently seeing an ED (eating disorder) therapist from the NHS, my close family and friends know about the bulimia and I am battling with it every day. I am focusing on my family and work but it isn't something I can just block out it always finds a way to creep back in and my recovery is all about learning what triggers the bulimia and how I can deal with any problems or issues without turning to it as a coping mechanism or as a means to stay slim.

I hope this blog will let other sufferers know they are not alone as I know what it is like to feel there is no one that could possibly understand what it is we go through, but I also hope it will reach non sufferers as when it comes to eating disorders bulimia can get misunderstood and I want to show people that bulimia is a real illness and it that has controlled my life for the past three years and even though I am seeking help and I believe I will get better, every day is still a battle and I look forward to the day that I beat it.

Best wishes Genie x